As I inched closer, I came to the slow realization

  • As I inched closer, I came to the slow realization that the bulldozer was headed my way. It wasn't just the thought of a painful death that struck me, it was the fact that FiFi was
  • driving the damn thing. I guess the new doggie treats for Christmas weren't getting it. A jackal's rage spun through her eyes as rabid foam leaked through her yellowing teeth.
  • Grandma was mad as hell and wasn't going to take it anymore. All the lurid stares, all the arrogant "ahems." She had been writing checks in the grocery store since before any
  • of them upstarts were twinkles in their grandpappy's eyes, and she wasn't going to stop now. She penned an elegant 7, then signed the check w/ deliberate slowness. Her eyes were
  • glued to her hands as she wrote out the check. The elderly grandmother finished the check for $0.07 in perfect penmanship, despite the fact that the octogenarian had lost
  • most of her arms, legs and tentacles during the Great War. The old lady had also scattered some across the oceans in a desperate attempt to help the jellyfish in their struggle for
  • independence from Sri Lanka. The Mormons then gathered in the dune buggy in case the Cartier became unstable. Papa then grabbed the
  • tablets. Still untranslated, but we could feel their power. We drove across the sand so fast, almost flying. Yet the were still behind us. Our only hope
  • was to torture the tablet translator until he revealed Tutankhamun's 10,000 secrets. Titillated, I held onto the OhShit handle as we pushed the jalopy into the red.
  • But the wheels only spun in the Sinai sands. We went nowhere. Until the prof came over and explained that the car needed more weight. "Take 2 tablets, and call me in the morning."


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