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The local wildlife keeps finding its way

  • The local wildlife keeps finding its way into my house, no matter how well I try to secure it. Just this morning, I awoke to a buck sniffing at my laptop, and a raccoon sifting thr
  • ough my emails, and a squirrel answering my phone. "It's for you," the squirrel said, handing the phone to me. At least, I thought, the squirrel was making itself useful, but how
  • long would my peanut butter stash last, and how many paper towels was I wasting wiping the squirrel's greasy pawprints from my phone? "I'm sorry, Mr. Sniffles, but I'm going to
  • give you to an animal shelter. I can't live like this." Mr. Sniffles stared at me in shock, but a second later he knew what to do. The squirrel leaped at me before i could react,
  • gorging it's acorn filled belly on my eyeballs, the tree-climbing rodent exclaimed "Who's useless now eh? You're going to need me with out those two peepers, chump!". Falling down
  • he ran to the other tree and greeted his other friends. "you want some nuts?" one of them answered back, "no thanks, I'm full at this moment." the rodent smiled.
  • Father Cheese had blessed the communion of rats while the squirrels watched from above. "It's a shame," remarked one squirrel to another, "they won't live past 5..." "5 years? No,
  • 5 minutes." The squirrels watched in amazement as Father Cheese dunked the rats by their tails in the communion fondue. Each one by one. The other squirrels looked at me like I was
  • insane, as if my plans for our future were something right out of a madman's sorrowful screams. At that moment, I knew that squirrelkind as we knew it would be completely abolished
  • and there’d be no more bird feeders to raid. “Rocky the Flying Squirrel” would not be a cartoon but a record of an extinct species. We laced our nuts with cyanide and took a bite.
Started
2020-05-02 18:45:42
Finished
2020-06-07 18:45:13

2 Comments

  1. Avatar

    LordVacuity Jun 07 2020 @ 18:48

    Does it sting to have arsenic on your nuts? I'm asking for a friend.
  2. Avatar

    Woab Jun 10 2020 @ 14:09

    I'd answer for a friend, but I can't make out what he's saying for all the screaming.

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