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wake up to a phone ringing, meets a baker,

  • wake up to a phone ringing, meets a baker, ran out of toilet paper, crashed a plane, goes crazy, walking in a thunderstorm, ate a cookie in a palace,
  • and that was all before she even had her "Jitter Bran, the Breakfast of Overachievers, fortified with 8 nonessential sweeteners and 500% of the recommended daily caffeine.
  • This was how Martha Stewart started everyday. But her Executive Assistant was exhausted. She couldn't keep up. So she put liquid TLC in Martha's coffee, a whole bunch. Just for a
  • day she thought she'd chill but Martha Stewart was like a rich housewife on steroids, only cloyingly attentive & overbearing. The assistant had mixed up the bottles. Not TLC, THC!
  • Stewart stoned was an object to behold. She removed all of the furniture in the living room and replaced it with bean bags. "Being closer to the floor... Is a good thing!...is it?"
  • Martha confided in her husky stoned voice which was refreshingly less constipated than usual that she put dried chickpeas in her beanbags and today we would build a cat loft out of
  • old furniture, shelves, metal brackets, and scraps of wool. I thought that was a little ambitious but Martha assured me she knew what she was doing. The cats enjoyed leaping up on
  • my toupee for some reason. "Scram, dammit!" I chased Puff from my head, but suffered a nasty scratch in the process. "Concentrate!" admonished Martha. "We need to get this stuff
  • to Willy." As I fought off the remnants of Puff's presence, Martha and I boxed up the rest of Wonka's order. Turned out he was tweaking the Gobstopper recipe, and mum was the word.
  • No, really. Know what else is everlasting and her flavor outlasts anything else on the market? MY MOM! Wuuuuhhhhhhh! But I lost the first shipment pulling donuts in the park.

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