I drink therefore I

I drink therefore I
am therefore I drink which
means I am drinking most of the time. But you would too if you made the mistake of buying a trailor in Death Valley. Nothing I could do but turn my property into a place where
I charged top dollar to roast meat and other comestibles just by slapping them onto the tin roof of my trailer. In no time I saved enough to move out of Death Valley to cooler
accomodation in Ontario. My problem was that my new apartment in Ontario didn't have any heating and a window in my bedroom was jammed open. Pigeons would
mock me, I just knew it. Some birds flaunt plumage, pigeons flaunt heaters, so says the Ebony Ornithologist magazine before me. I built a fire in my bedroom to ward off Ontario's
fertilizer winds, put on Zeke's Guide to Bird Calls of Southern Appalachia, turned off my phone, and twisted the top on 40 oz of some'n Olde, Golde, and Colde. I had a nice little
swig to wash down my squirrel-on-a-stick. "Ahh this is the life.." I lay back in my innertube paddling idly. After the incident with the Hoover dam.. These remote backwaters seemed
like a better extraction point. Having lost my beacon, I signaled my ship using the paddles I had coated with radioactive Vaseline. I then pronounced the words "Drak fepu", meanin
g "SAVE ME!"... Or so I thought. My Twonverinian was a bit rusty, and I'd actually said, "PRESERVE MY BODY!" The ship sprayed preservation gel on me, which made me into a statue.

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