I couldn't believe it! My assignment was

I couldn't believe it! My assignment was due on the 6th of May, not the 5th of June! This was the fifth time my recent move to America screwed things up for me.

"Stupid Americans and their dating practices!" I yelled at the top of my lungs tearing my calendar. The women in the dorm stared daggers in my direction.

"I am not American! Just because I am fat does not make me an American, thank you very much!" she shouted from across the dorm. My roommate was nowhere to be seen, unfortunately.

This was unusual because, due to how fat she is, my roommate can usually be seen from anywhere. Clearly she was upset and hiding. I needed to find her to console her, I knew that j

ob was best suited for Google Maps. I pinpointed, or rather stub fingered, her sitting in the Grand Canyon, obstructing the Colorado River with her hugeness. I paid for a helicopte

r flight to film a scene for my remake of "Attack of the 50 ft Woman". As the daily surge of tiny tourists in inflatable rafts backed up on the boundary formed by her love handle

Gertrude panicked, hiding the tiny people, crawling all over her body from her lover. But it was too late. "You have humans?!" He bellowed, drowning out Gertrude's sobbing.

It was then that the pilot announced a two hour delay. The binary chipped orangutang was constantly eating bananas and went to the store for more once the plane landed. Meanwhile,

The paperclip dog found itself riding off the plane in the pocket of a curious five year old boy, who understood his animated inanimate friend as a being rather than a thing.

In the end the poor boy was stopped at the metal detector at the airport and sent to juvenile prison for carrying a concealed paperclip dog which could have poked someone's eye.