"Look into the mirror and tell me what you

"Look into the mirror and tell me what you see." He said. "I see a cow.." I told him. "Exactly" he said. "Wait, that's not a mirror, it's a

cow," I exclaimed, "I'm not stupid." He pursed his lips and pretended to agree, before sittting me back down on the stool. "Now tell me, what do you see in that cloud?" he asked

haltingly, breathing like a faulty intake valve around every syllable. "Look, I see the future," I responded. "We can't keep track of our beef in books forever. The cloud will

be the place to white wash our accounts. The best place to hide data is in a mass of other data. But Boyardee and Hotpocket wouldn't listen to my revelations. Business ground to a

milestones speed when the river dries up. One moment you are grinding winter wheat and the next you are dead in the chaff with an arrow in your back thanks to Viking astronauts.

But do they Viking astronauts care that they've killed you? No! All they care about is doing wheelies with their space ships in your wheat fields and confounding the scientists.

You try haunting the viking astronauts in revenge, but they're too busy doing science and conquering alien worlds to notice. You have to admit they're cool even if they killed you.

It is like something out of a science fiction novel happening in real life. My fake plastic trees felt it too. They called me over to them and whispered something unintelligible.

“Take the marbles out of your mouths!” I screamed at them. “We’re fake plastic trees. We don’t have marbles in our mouths.” “Then, speak CLEARLY!” I shouted, annoyed. The trees

were becoming unbearably insolent. "I don't want to do this," I said, taking my phone from my pocket. I scrolled through my contacts list, found 'Tree Killers 'R' Us' and dialled.