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I was so hungry that i started to eat

  • I was so hungry that i started to eat
  • That's when I realized I had just eaten Grandpa Owls meatloaf from Topka Kansas. He totally flipped out and
  • asked if Grandpa Owls had the number of how many licks does it take for a totsie roll pop. But I knew Grandpa Owls didn't know that number so I started to change the subject while
  • he made ramen noodles. Then suddenly a tootsie pop crahed through the window and stuck Grandpa Owls in the face, causing him to drop the ramen. Then
  • I woke up. Thank goodness, I thought, another dream down, twenty more to go. Which sounds strange, but, you see, I knew the date of my death because
  • the events of my life were confined to my dreams, and my dreams were a 22-part HBO docudrama. "But maybe there'll be a double episode," my mother consoled. "Or a whole new season."
  • What my mom didn't know was that my dreams were part of the bad HBO docudrama. Last year I nearly committed suicide because my dreams were part of HBO's Real Sex and
  • nobody could explain how HBO had managed to broadcast my dreams on their show. I had to know, but the execs were tight-lipped, driving me insane, hence almost offing myself. But
  • then while I was scratching my head over the whole thing, I discovered a cranial probe inserted in the back of my head. Aha, so THIS is how the HBO execs stole my dreams! I yanked
  • the probe. I felt something oozing out, so I pushed the probe and my brains back in. So be it. I preferred that my intellect be intact. It was a no-brainer.

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