The name of this story is The Suitcase. It

  • The name of this story is The Suitcase. It takes place in 1974 on the banks of the Maumee River just north of Toledo, near where it runs into Lake Erie. It opens upon a boy & girl.
  • The girl, Jane, is holding a suitcase. The boy, Bobby, walks out onto a nearby bridge over the Maumee. "Oh Bobby, please don't do this!" Jane gasps. Bobby throws a sad look at her.
  • Jane catches the sad look between the eyes. She falls over the suitcase, breaks her neck. Bobby jumps off the bridge, breaks his neck. A dog urinates on the suitcase. It’s snowing.
  • Relieved, the dog wanders off a cliff and breaks his neck, as the suitcase is slowly concealed under a blanket of snow. A starving has been watching from an alley, and tiptoes out
  • to collect the dog's body. It was very sad. However, the starving man needed food, so he ate the dog. Its meat was ok, but he really wanted some steak. Since cows were banned, he
  • decided that having a nice meal of 'long pork' was enough. Long pork as in meat. Meat as in the meat of his neighbor. Cows may be banned, and, well, so is cannibalism. Oops.
  • So he decided to try and get cannibalism legalised. He petitioned, he held protests (which were just bloodbaths, to be honest) until eventually he decided just to eat the lawmakers
  • . Fortunately, the lawmakers had poison skin, so the cannibal didn't make it through the first one he targeted. He later woke up in a hospital bed in the prison medical center.
  • The prison doctor approached the cannibal’s bed like Maxwell Smart: “The old poison-skin-to-disable-the-cannibal-when-he-bites trick! That’s the 3rd time I’ve seen it this month!"
  • He bent down, took off his shoe and spoke into it: "99 it's me. ! Upon further reflection, I have decided to forgo this mission and instead commence drinking. Seacrest out!"


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