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"And now I can check off Princess Leia,"

  • "And now I can check off Princess Leia," I said, studying my list of Comic-Conquests. Next up was Neytiri from Avatar. I stuffed a cucumber into my R2D2 suit and trudged along, unt
  • il I bumped into Betty & Veronica. Neytiri would have to wait. If I could notch two Comic-Conquests at once, I had to go for it. Betty giggled "Wow, R2, have you been working out?"
  • And I had. I'd been doing Standing Dumbbell Calf Raises. As an R2 Droid, it was really the only exercise I could do, but my servo's were swollen and powerful. Betty and Veronica
  • (my pet names for the buns on either side of Princess Leia's head) were looking mighty attractive to me of late, and, well, I'd heard no female could resist a droid on 'roids, so
  • I bulked up. I wanted my buns to be as round & firm as those on Princess Leia's head. Droid 'roids are illegal, true, but the results are powerful...& only a few bad side effects.
  • It was great, for the first week or so. Hell, I was benching 22,420 and the chicks wouldn't leave me alone! But then things began to grow from my flesh, small things, like snails
  • And even my doctor could not explain them! Apparently, I had to bench less and eat asparagus daily.
  • My coworkers weren't thrilled. Every day after lunch the office smelled like asparagus. One day a suggestion box appeared on my desk and I peeked inside. It was full of
  • "cute" little messages like "To avoid unnecessary embarrassments, could you spare us a gustatory imbibement green and perilous?" or "Whats long and green and diuretic,
  • hangs on a wall and whistles?" After a while, they weren't cute, but maddening. They wouldn't stop! I fled to Belarus, but here I am- with a blank envelope on the porch. No escape.

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