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If death were a person, I would call him

  • If death were a person, I would call him a greedy bitch. He always had a way of taking the good people away, leaving the assholes behind for me to deal with.
  • But, it was an honest days work and part of the family business. With a sponge in hand, I began scrubbing along the rim of Mr. Ragpappy's cornhole, which was car-sized in diameter.
  • There was something in the cornhole, I heard it immediatley after I started to scrub. A subtle sound, some sort of rustling, but nonetheless apparent. Frightened, I backed away.
  • A low voice began to mumble from the hole, "This is not for you. Walk away now or forever burn." Sweat began to drip out of my every pore. I needed to decide what to do next.
  • I decided that it would be best to throw myself into the hole. After all, if you're going to go out, why not go out Kentucky Fried? I could be great with some ketchup.
  • just then, a knife-wielding primary-school teacher stabbed me in the face with a pink-handled pocket knife. The butterfly sticker on the handle seemed simply absurd.
  • As the petite schoolmarm tore at my flesh, my mind went to another place, desperately wanting to believe that I wasn't being mutilated at the production of "Chicken Soup with Rice"
  • But I was. Whoever the Hippie Cooz was that thought it was so awesome for kids to sing that terrible song should be drowned in her car in a river. That song stole the "cool"
  • side and put it right next to the "hot" side, rendering both sides "warm". And that's why that burger was never successful. I hate that song for ruining the McDonald's Corporation
  • but then again I never really liked McDonald's in the first place. Nothing could compare to the love I had in my heart for the Burger King. He really did let you have your way.

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