Moby Dick, the Kraken, and Cthulhu were playing

  • Moby Dick, the Kraken, and Cthulhu were playing Risk: Seven Seas Edition. Cthulhu started at the Arctic Ocean because holding the entire Pacific was impossible. The Kraken attacked
  • Moby Dick who had concentrated his forces in the South Atlantic Ocean. Moby bit off one of the Kraken's tentacles. Meanwhile Cthulthu quietly occupied the strategic Bering Strait
  • The Leviathan powers of the sea divided up the world like a extended game of Risk and we puny humans only occupied Madagascar. I only hope was to call upon Aqua Man and a megaphone
  • was just out of reach. Damn these blasted alligator arms I'd inherited from Dad! OK, well if we can just turn in our cards, take South Africa, and then redeploy our troops
  • then the crocodilians can start harvestin' diamonds from the mines like there's no tomorrow! And so we stormed the beaches, chomping on humans who tasted like spam, and we fought
  • off a terrible cold with the traditional remedy of good old fashioned human soup.
  • Whenever I ate the stuff I would see the image I had in my thoughts when, as a child, a teacher had spoken of the gene pool-a pool of cheek-attached earlobes and rollable tongues.
  • So I decided to order a salad. My teacher had turned out to be a violent cladist. She was rounded up in the sweep that took place after the Australopithicus fiasco back in the day.
  • I also found out that I was related to her, which scared me. Maybe I was a cladist too. Maybe I was predisposed to violence & mayhem. I dropped my salad fork, lost in thought.
  • I suddenly realized that she and I were both chronic masturbators. All this masturbating had enervated us and if we were ever going to change, we had to stop now.


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