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"Welcome, Baltimore Zooians, to your first

  • "Welcome, Baltimore Zooians, to your first Animal Etiquette class. I am Mr. Johnson, the..." *BURRRP* "...cover your mouth with your forelimb when burping, Mr. Walrus. Our first
  • lesson is "eating." First, Baboon, you must stop picking stuff out of your friend's hair and eating it. It's disgusting. Here, put the lice in a kleenex. Mr. Lion, you can only eat
  • animals. If you eat vegetables, I'll demote you to duke of the jungle or lower. Grizzly, I'm going to teach you how to maul the shit out of
  • anybody that tries to stop us from my diabolical plan to sequester as much carbon as possible. Lion? Grizzly? Got it?" I resumed work on my doomsday device, chuckling since I knew
  • that an elephant digestive tract can hold a lot of gas underr pressure, but eventually it would be expelled The sudden peak in carbon emissions would, put the humans out for the
  • next three millennia, during which many other species vied for dominating evolution in the humans' temporary absence. The flying squirrels, the echolocation bats, the bonobos with
  • long arms made their lives in the tree canopy that now covered the earth. Without humans, mammals either would glide, fly or swing among the branches. When humans came back,
  • they came back blind, all of them. This was quite ironic, given that they had built everything in the old world to be a feast for their eyes! The cries of wild animals haunted the
  • local PETA activists. Something had to be done! Something drastic! Something that would garner the attention of the media. They hired Stevie Wonder to do a benefit concert
  • in rural Belarus. Stevie Wonder will sing at the top of a crumbling plastic shoe factory from the soviet era, backed by belly dancers. No one will be able to say they didn't know.

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