If time is money, does that mean ATMs are
- If time is money, does that mean ATMs are time machines? Imma gonna find out. I slipped my card into the slot, punched in my pin number, then pressed "Fast Cash".
- As the ATM whirred, I thought of a guy from high school with whom I'd become Facebook friends 7 years ago. It seemed like yesterday… I stepped away from the ATM in horror, grasping
- a twenty dollar bill with the face of my old high school friend on the front. Engraved in a baroque font it read, "Help Me!" I knew then that the ATM was haunted.
- I pondered this all evening until reaching the conclusion that there is a man stuck in that ATM machine and I needed to save the day. I grabbed my fruity guns and Hollywood hair.
- Stepping out the door, looking like Zac Efron, I went to save the man stuck in that ATM machine. I momentarily forgot how he got there, but I knew using the fruity guns would be
- a bad idea. The last time I used a fruity gun on an ATM it really gummed up the works and no cash was forthcoming, so my plan to rescue the man stuck inside was to withdraw
- all my money in one-dollar increments, and hope that he could figure out how to push his way out through the money slot. His hat came through okay, but his head got stuck in the
- monkey fist that was now also stuck because it was holding his head in the money slot. I batted away at the monkey but he threw shit and I let him have the his head. "Be a sport
- medicine doctor!" I said. That gave him hope. It set his life on a new course, and he instantly calmed down. A compliant monkey is a safe monkey. I pulled it out of the slot,
- and the sight of his flatter yet toned torso stirred primal desires within me that I had tried to repress. I hope he did not notice the struggle within as I processed the payment.
- Started
- 2015-10-14 03:19:30
- Finished
- 2025-12-01 07:06:17
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