It was midnight and I was fast asleep. I

It was midnight and I was fast asleep. I woke up suddenly. I could hear someone crying. I looked through my window and that's when I saw her, a young girl, maybe nineteen years old

-er than my grandpa. She was pushing her walker along in the back alley when she was confronted by a group of thugs. I climbed down the side of my house to help her but

then I thought of my date with Mary Jane. "Sorry aunt, you're on your own." If I used my slingers I would make it to X-Men First Class by five. Fortunately, Aunt May told the thugs

my true Identity. Aunt May could never keep her mouth shut. Now that the thugs knew who I was

it would be easy for them to find the money and probably kill me too (that is, if they felt really ambitious). I had to think quick. What if I changed my name, gained 30 lbs and

moved to San Francisco. I would be safe there, after all what televangelist and his homicidal troop of bible thumpers would come all the way to San Fran"sicko" to find me and

my new friends? So what if my face was plastered on the back of 10,000 milk cartons and I hadn't seen my biological family in years. THE FAMILY was now in charge. All I had to do

was donkey-punch every last cow on earth to death. Then the milk carton cartel would have nothing to put my face on, and my family

of cows will never find me. Now I only had to burn down all the post offices and take care of the news stations. I figured I needed fuel and an ignition of some sort, so I took

that potato and shoelace to make the magic happen. If MacGyver could do it, right? Wrong. The cows eventually did find me, and ate all the potatoes. My plot was ruined. RUINED!