11 Folds
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3
lycanthropy be damned! He’d STILL be a menace! He howled at the moon and wings flapped him upward. He strutted on hooves like a Clydesdale. He’d be a flying mascot for Budweiser! -
0
Instead, I grabbed a cooze and two boobies for the two of us—from the waitress. How was I to know that was a mistake? After all, the waitress said she would be “taking care of us."
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4
while under the influence of vodka and DulcoLax—with a prune juice chaser. Oh, the trotting-around artistry! The urgency! The New York Times called it “The Shit Show of the Year!"
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2
ic played in reverse to reveal hidden messages was also true. I played “Rumor Has It” in reverse and heard an eerie voice say “I buried Reba.” Still, no groin, and no girlfriend.
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0
to every human on the planet. By the time I’d tossed out 14 life preservers, the cabinet was empty. I must have miscalculated the size of humanity somehow.
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1
said “No, nothing comes to mind.” Clown Satan produced a feather. “You’re here for THIS!” he said and began tickling Gunzo’s bare feet mercilessly. He WAS “Clown” Satan, after all.
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1
clearly a hit, but the choking scene nixed all that. The producers and director changed the next performance, erecting a wrestling ring onstage and calling the show “WrestleOpera."
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2
stubby, raw carrot, which you planned to void and snack on after exiting this crisis. However, that carrot up there hindered your running, and the mob caught you and thrashed you.
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1
and grinned maniacally. “I’m sparing you because you’re the only one with a decent singing voice,” the weasel said. “Now, SING! ‘All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased…’"
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1
hung in the air as he tried to think of a dignified way out. “Well, ladies and gentlemen,” he finally began, “THAT didn’t work out as planned! But on to my next magic trick…"
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1
held no appeal. The one Judy he was interested in as a gay man was Judy Garland. Cary bought all her records but couldn’t listen to them because he never found a gay record player.
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2
My one hope was to grab a prop blade, spin on it like a carnival ride, and let go at the right time. But when I let go I spun free of the prop and back into the fish’s mouth. Shit.
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1
which was certainly true of Hippo Hip Riders. Women wore them but asked the ultimate question: “Do these make me look fat?” “LOOK fat?” was the usual answer. “Bitch, you ARE fat!”
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1
Well, I patented taxidermy ice cream: Soft-serve stuffed into skins of rats (small), squirrels (medium), and racoons (large). A taste treat with a built-in puke-reflex. Try some?
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1
A swiftly propelled sausage landed in a patron’s mouth and ended up lodged in his windpipe. The Heimlich maneuver couldn’t save him. The propelled-sausage business died that day.
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2
between my legs and shrunk away. My tail got entangled in my legs as I walked a cliff’s edge. I wondered as I fell how in hell a cliff always shows up at the most inopportune time.
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2
ck on the strap-on in the most salacious way possible. 28. Command Ji-Hu to clean up her bloody Seppuku mess. 29. Realize Ji-Hu is dead. 30. Clean up the Seppuku mess yourself.
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1
ensuing melee was bloody, until Mister Softee drove onto the scene. The fighting stopped and the participants hollered “YAY! Ice cream!” FINALLY something they could all agree on!
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2
The kids gathered around Mommy’s corpse sprawled on the casino floor near the slots. “What the hell do we do now? How do we cash in a dead woman’s jackpot?” “I have an idea! Let’s
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2
The exchange student stood outside the apartment and yelled at her host family, who were barricaded inside. “Let me get this straight…I’M allowed into your home, but my ASS isn’t?”