Mom: "I always knew you were a bad seed. Look atcha now, a full-grown shitbush!" Me: "MmmHmm." Mom: "If you weren't so rotten on the inside, maybe you wouldn't be so ugly." I fired

Stalin was driving down Lincoln after getting coffee and was rear ended by

"You are all just salt-water crap buckets who sit on your ass and let yourselves be lied to!" His shriek echoed. Everyone stopped and looked at him. He stared back, eyes hot with

I'm a satellite scavenger, a dangerous occupation. Governments & corporations don't like their technological secrets getting out. You have to b e quick. I'd narrowed the impact

Ever since he got possessed, Joe couldn't stop typing in tongues. "Ddev6lde66evid6il..." He had tried and failed at a method of self-exorcism that involved grits, a Bedazzler, and

"68% of people acquainted with you are beginning to realize that you are full of shit." croaked the alarm clock. Regina must have set the alarm to angst. Well, I'm feeling anxious

One day I was walking down the street and I got hit by a car. As i got back up the driver got out of his car walked up and said

there is a town that the buildings are not meant for these streets

“4 Mississippi,5 Mississippi,6…,10…, ready or not, here I come” into a magic world where the sewing machines count the milliseconds and the clock over the arcade reads 11:07; the

Frankie was a diner bum. He sat in one corner, talked to the same waitress and ate the same thing everyday. His social security allowed him this sort dime-store hybernation

Billy was lost. The woods had completely surrounded him. It was becoming obvious that something bad was about to happen.

It was the first day of school and I looked in the mirror and discovered I had the chicken pox.

Of all the run-down dives on Mars, I had to enter this one. The turquoise and aqua decor. Johnny Carter's gravelly "I shot the Jeddak." There she was, my fatal flame -- Jezikara

I wanted to know who kept destroying my snowmen so I hid a couple of cameras in the head of my latest creations. I was expecting some teenagers. I was right but they weren't human.

It all started when Obama and Limbaugh met in the restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Limbaugh had entered his stall and taken his wide stance when Barry

He popped the cork on the champagne and shouted "Happy New Year!" With fizzy wine spewing out of the bottle he looked around for a kiss. That's when he realized that it was 12pm.

Boris followed the haughty woman as she exited the stage. This would be one time when she would not

Rachel had always loved figs, but wondered what all the fuss about figgy pudding was about. She decided that only way to satisfy her curiosity was a pilgrimmage to

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents... Strike that. It was a bright sunny day and the sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new...Doublestrike that

In 2030 Harry"s daughter was diagnosed with a huge tumour that made her look seven months pregnant. She found herself catapulted back in time to the 1930's. During this journey she