DL: "So what's your trick?" SH: "Well, I can knit with my feet" DL: "Socks?" SH: "No,

I hate taking sleeping pills. Apparently, I get up in the middle of the pm and buy stuff from Infomercials. I only know this bc today, I received a HarryPotter ninja sword.Yesterda

It had not been a good idea to eat the three day old pizza his roommates left after skipping town without paying the rent. Gordon was sick as a dog when the landlord rang

He was the most important person of the elite Mission Impossible team. He was the plug-in guy.

He built his house out of barbecued meats.

It was a dark and stormy night, and the biggest and fastest spaceship in the world was being overrun by chickens.

If your drunk and you know it clap your hand. If your drunk and you know it, but you don't really want to show it

The woman woke up with an excruciating pain in her right foot.

When you eat too many Fudgesicles in the summertime, your shorts get tight. When you wear tight shorts, you can't decide if you feel sexy or portly. When you're indecisive, you

To celebrate what comes after and I do not mean the Aftermath. Bloodletting creates itself and is expected to a point. Raw feelings are put aside or postponed in the face of mutual

I found a grumpy Dutchman in my kitchen this morning demanding breakfast. "I haven't got cornflakes," I apologised, "only cocoa pops." He slammed his spoon down, a guttural stream

Not everybody has useful super powers. Take the 'Barista Belle,' who can change water from tepid to near boiling with her mind or 'That Guy,' who can pick up radio waves with his

He told me I had a superiority complex, but what does he know - he's beneath me. I folded my arms and then

....heaven forbid she laughed, the force of her laugh would slam her against the wall causing a concussion. To safeguard against this, she stuffed her face with the most fattening

Valery Nesvizhevsky & Sue Hendrickson met in a bar in Tokyo while attending a Templeton Foundation colloquium on time travel. "How about a quantum portal to the Jurrasic?" Val jest

"Girl you got more legs than a bucket o-chicken an did I mention you got inpeccable taste. Get it? In-peck-a-bull? Peck peck peck. Can I give you a peck right here?" Joleene rolled

The following is an unedited account of what really happened after Sir Gallahad the Chaste followed the Grail-shaped beacon to Castle Anthrax & made acquaintance with the 150 virgi

Kara and her mother went to disneyland today. The first princess she saw was...

My head was pounding, my body ached. I felt like vomiting and had a real bad thirst. I could barely move from all the disgust and anxiety. Still I complimented my wife: "Delicious

"Hey Spanky!"