Sorry, but I can't stop twiddling my thumbs. I'm working out to drop weight classes in time for the thumb wrestling tournament at recess tomorrow. Next, I'll do Ring Pop sit-ups.

Annie was consumed with the desire to find a new "wipe" - there already were baby wipes, screen wipes, even doggy wipes - what new wipe could she invent that would make her as rich

"I am the Oracle of Knuckleheadery," said the sage. He wore a No Fear shirt, with a batman cape, he sat on a thrown that was a bean bag and drank Pabst Blue Ribbon.

It was then that I decided to become a symbiote. Why deal with the hassle of driving to a supermarket and shelling out half your paycheck for food when you could just get your

I think it's the most natural thing in the world to make fun of stuff because things are really stupid. And so if you happen to be a writer and you think a lot of things are stupid

"Edenopteran keithcrooki, boned fish, inhabited shallow shores of Godwana." Greg looked at the sleek high domed skull and 4 cm fangs. "That's no boned fish. It's the Alien."

Why mercy me! Says right here I just won the $14 million dollar Nigerian lottery! Says it right here, see? Alls I gotta do it call this here number & give 'em my bank account num

"One English muffin,coming right up!" the waitress jotted it down."Now what do you want on it? Jelly,Jam, Marmalade,Honey,Sorgum,Syrup,Vegamite,Nutella,Butter,Oleo, or Margarine?"

King Richard Simmons set off to the holy lands. Finally, after years of battle he alone would the liege that

The wife laid out a dandy of an Easter basket for little Jimmy. But Daddy had the munchies some'n fierce. You don't think he'd miss just one chocolate bunny do you?

"Bring me the Baron alive, but do what you want to the rest," said Capt. Purplebeard from the crow's nest. The pirates cheered in unison. "Dress-up!" They forced pillagees to wear

Don loved his duck who advised him in all manner of life's ups and downs, and so on the day of his court appearance on charges of insobriety he smuggled in some brewskies and Daffy

The soul came back two times. I think we’ve located it. Quick somebody catch it in the Birdhouse! We all ran toward the Birdhouse, but...it was too late. The soul had slipped away.

My 83-year-old mother covered her mouth with her liver-spotted hands. Her eyes twinkled gleefully. "Yes...yes I did," she giggled. "I called him 'Mr. Dildo' by mistake!"

At the changing of the pants ceremony a crowd of tourists gathered. Everyday Vernon would change his pants at exactly 9.23 pm. The best spot for viewing the changing of the pants

The Professor and I looked at the strange yellow blob on the ground. "You tell me," he said. "Is that a living creature or not?" I observed the blob-thing more closely. It had

He stood 6 feet 8 inches and was chiseled muscle from calves to traps. Intelligent, worldly, a terror with the ladies. Also, his name was Frances. This meant that

The S.S. Incredulous was surrounded by a fleet of Rog Rovnitovs's alien pirates in international spaces. "Scum! And we were so close to Xephyr," said Commander Erma Gerd. Missiles

My wife said "You know the one. She's young; attractive." Alarm bells went off. Feign ignorance, & you're busted. Express confirmation, & you're busted. I said "You mean yourself?"

He was scanning the want ads & found it under a picture of Shaka Zulu riding an Alpaca. It read "Adventurous souls with no attachments or moral ballast. Expedition to sulphurous