I have been a security guard at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza for so long. But I am in danger of being stuffed into a suit by the animatronics.

The stinkbugs are coming! The stinkbugs are coming!

Rick was a bundle of organs with a name. As a "human," he'd reached the hightest plane of existence by having rights and a dead-end 9-to-5 job. Lesser animals would kill for Rick's

I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables. I mean A LOT. Like a literal crap-ton. Do you even know how much that is? That's enough to distend an ox stomach three levels past engorgement

Professor Simon looked at me like I had three heads all wearing half moon glasses and pondering away. "So, what you're saying essentially is, time is three cups of coffee, Linda?"

There I was... there I was.... there I was... in the CONGO!

Stay tuned for another episode of ... When Penguins Turn.

I can't even look at you without getting flustered. I didn't want to feel this way about you, but it happened. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I fell in love with you.

"Just don't make me look like such a total idiot again George. I mean honestly, you should have seen their faces. Disgust. And rightfully so. I was a moron up there. Just glad it's

10 fingers, 10 toes, 1 bebe, and no nose..... what?

Wild animals are fantastic. Love 'em. But when a male cricket begins stridulating within my premises, my domocile, my castle, it's war. That insect's going down. He could be Jiminy

John was nervous about his audience with the pope, but he was sure he could convince him to sponsor Pabst Blue Ribbon. Why not pop a tall boy during mass instead of serving wine?

But, that was before I stared into the frozen blackness. Distance, depth it has no meaning there. No what really has meaning is when the blackness stares back. That night, the eyes

Once upon a time there was a middle school teacher who lived in a magical land called Highlands. She was a magical teacher who was able to grant wishes.

"A poltergeist is nothing but a juvenile trickster determined to plague credulous adults," said Joe Quarter as a teacup smashed against his forehead. Sally tried to look innocent.

There is a 1% chance that I'll make it through the next 5 minutes without eating that entire chocolate bar in my desk. Did I say 1%? I meant none %. No! I will not eat it! I will

What is it with some countries that encourage the dehumanization of certain subsets of their society? This is the 21st Century. That these idiots can torture teenagers and openly

Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey and 14 others will receive

He lifted the rifle at the shooting gallery, aimed it at the carney for a joke. He pulled the trigger. The rifle kicked. Smoke from the barrel. Blood poured from the Carney's chest

It's funny how language can lead to dreams, joy and delight, or bickering, vile bile, and the toxic ectoplasm gushing out of internet sewers into the comments under news articles.