Eunuchs of the Universe, I call to thee when I hold aloft this Vibrating Ring of

What is the point of being a cannibal if all the restaurants are vegan?

As I plan to end my own life, I learn many things. How swallowing razorblades won't hurt as much as you think, how overdosing does little damage, and how to tie a noose.

A boy and a girl were in a room together on there own... They both loved each other very much, but have never told each other this, the boy was ready to tell her "Alice" he said...

"Ten grand? That's chump change, Sister. We'll need at least 30Gs to solve a problem like Maria."

Shorty wasn't usually good for much other than odds at the track or a pull off a flask. But Shorty wasn't coming from the track, he was coming from Guantanamo. And he'd brought

"Think 'Julie & Julia', but with serial killers instead of bloggers and chefs. It's called 'Hannibal & Hannibal' - Hannibal Lecter reflects upon his kills, while the audience is

My sandwich was here just a moment ago and now...it's gone. Did you eat it? 'Cause if you did, that's OK. I just want you to tell me the truth. Our relationship is based on honesty

2013 seemed like an unlikely year for everyone's brains to explode into some kind of vast and gleaming and comprehensive and kindly apprehension of their fellow residents, but

I do Foldingstory impersonation. For exam.."inations Dr. Dweezle popped a weasel. That's what he called lancing pimples." Or try to guess th.."netopsychismically. (Hah,bet U didn't

As the boss, he quit trying long ago. Sure he showed up, but basically just dicked around all day. He had his feet up watching Entourage season 5, disk 2 when the bigger, regional

The Strong Language was sick of all the warnings about him before tv shows. His cousin Bad Language was to blame for his reputation. Enough was enough! It was time for

The cookie monster

The snowman walked in the familiar snow for hours trying to remember how he got here. He remembered the laughter of children and their little hands with so much hope, faith, & love

Once upon a time there was a pig.

Toner Pirates, they are the worst! More evil than CapnKid &LongJohnSilvers combined! How I was supposed to know it was all a scam? They sounded so legit, that is until 30 gallons

"The 3rd person plural present active subjunctive of the verb do, dare - or what you get when a shopping cart hits your car." Who thinks these things up, thought Marty. It's like

When my friend Caroline asked if I wanted to go see the Three Penny Opera I thought "Wow, what a bargain!". Was I mad when we got to the theatre and found what it really

The rain did not motivate me to leave my warm, cozy bed on this bleak morning. Suddenly, I heard a noise that made me jump to my feet...

"My name's not Shirley. And I never joke. Also, that's not milk you're drinking."