Once upon a time there was a man.

Before I turned 30 I had one last thing to do. When I turned onto Cottage Lane, the last person I expected to see was

I had to pee so bad. There were people everywhere. It was a serious emergency and I had to come up with a plan. So I

"A little shorter on the left. Maybe make it more even. Yeah, like that. Yes, I like that." Pause. "Now step away from

It was 7:30 in the AM and 10 below, but there we were standing on top of the mountain in our

How's that go? Ass in the sand, beer in my hand? Shoot, all's I'm sayin' is all I got is

She has this theory that people who don't like dogs aren't really people. After a lengthy explanation, the judge

I was minding myself, surfing the Internet when I was distracted by a scratching sound in the other room. I got up to inspect the situation and was surprised to find

First it was the vampires versus the humans. The it was vampires versus werewolves. Then the vampires versus the zombies. What was it with those fucking vampires not getting along

It was her oath to protect and serve and she was one of the few who took it, and the concept of honor, seriously. He married her without knowing she wanted to be a cop, which made

Baked goods were only one thing she could do. The owner of her building wondered how her gas bills could be so low, but fresh donuts had dulled his will to dig. Pyrokinetics did

She sat squinting at the muted commercial. She loved car commercials. Then she farted on the couch and it sounded like a sea gull under a blanket. Then

I am a condescending CNN news anchor looking for a partner to suffocate with my

A Limp Bizkit umbrella group chomped a pita in opposition to McDonald's chief. Few people knew that McDonald's had their own Native American Tribe. Their casino is just

The football team had lost another one. 0 and 11. Everyone hung their helmeted heads and got on the bus. Lumpy the couch just shook his head. The fat kid in the back yelled

Cables whistled between the wings as the bi-plane dipped beneath the cloud cover. How he was going to fight an alien armada was beyond him, but the neutrino Gatling he'd stolen was

He considered himself lazy and spiritual. This is why he was a huge follower of "The Secret." All he had to do was think about stuff and it would happen. His favorite place to

He had bed-head, tight jeans, a McGriddle gut, and an iphone. He ordered a Venti Mocha Latte and paid with a "gift card." His belt had studs in it. A knotted handkerchief clung to

A third glass slid down the bar and skidded to a stop in front of him, only light clinking its predecessors. He drained it and tossed back some peanuts. When he woke up, he knew

So he went over to the station with all the goodies. He tapped nutmeg into his coffee. He squirted sugar free vanilla syrup into it. Then he poured out the creamer, thick red