"Listen to this, you old motherfucker!", John yelled at to the officer. "I built all those goddamn bombs myself! I fixed them up and fine tuned them, fine tuned them for everything

Being a sentinent form of energy has its drawbacks. As if not being able to give hugs wasn't bad enough, today I was invited to a birthday party and I realized

Bananas suddenly burst forth from a hole in the wall as Cindy skipped down her school's hallway, preventing her from reaching her destination: PS 105, Advanced Geometry.

Rasputin licked the powdered sugar from Marie Laveau's chin. "What shall we do with the people of earth, ma cherie? They are so depressingly easy to mesmerize. What is to be done?"

So, I was just accused of cyber bullying, but I think it was justified and not yet to the level of a hate crime.

I'm feeling pretty down. Sure, there's the wife, kids, job, car, house, etc. etc. but what's it all about? Work work work, worry worry, stress. Eat, sleep, repeat. I think I'll buy

It was late, the glitter eyeshadow was wearing off, my feet were killing me from the platform furry boots and going to IHop sounded like a perfect way to end this horrid night. My

"Hello and thank you for purchasing the Orgreenic Zero Point Energy Stove and Slushee Machine. To get maximum satisfaction from this product, please follow these instructions with

"Afar Lugbúrz! at sapat kok-ishi. Afar vadokanuk, At sapat kok-ishi!"

He was reincarnated as a bacterium living inside the colon of a maggot living in a festering rat turd in a sewer beneath a squalid slum. He looked on the bright side. "At least

"Arthur...ARTHUR..." she croaked. Arthur wouldn't answer. He hated her. Hated her voice, hated her face, hated everything about her. In general, he hated all frogs and this was

He fell in love with her smile. The lines of crooked teeth like a miniature stonehenge begged for his orthodontic prowess.

It was 10:30 at night. The sky had turned a sullen orange, and Jake felt more alive than ever before. The blood that oozed from his ears and eyes didn't worry him. The green ooze

Dear Josef, I hope that you will make better use of "The Card Tricks of Enoch" than I, a scatterbrain, will ever do. I am old enough to wonder whether I am being manipulative, but

I decided that I was not going to make excuses for him anymore, he had put his hands on me one time too many. I was through telling my friends and family that I fell, or bumped in

The Sun and I aren't on speaking terms. We are both at fault, I suppose; she's been disappearing every night, and I've been seeing a tanning bed. We tried galactic counseling, but

I had the least stressful job in the world: traffic man for the 3 am local news. Usually I just got in front of the camera and said, "Open roads, folks!" But tonight was different.

Some people call it a swing blade but I call it a kaiser blade, I think i will go with Billy Bob Thorton and end up calling it a......

Distant thunder rumbled through the air and ground, shaking a shack in the mountains that contained a fugitive of the law.

The second thoughts he had after he plummeted over the Niagra Horseshoe Falls in an inflatable bouncy ball were swiftly erased by the tonnage of fresh water fast approaching.