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Never yell "FIRE!" in a crowded dungeon until

  • Never yell "FIRE!" in a crowded dungeon until after all cats with broken legs have been safely evacuated. (Considerate patrons will insist upon the prior evacuation of all cats.)

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  • But first,you must consider all facts about crowded dungeons.For example:bad lighting,cockroaches,mice(usually why cats break their legs;they chace the mice in the dark and trip)

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  • at least that's how Nigel started all his games when he was Dungeon Master. I hated him, but we were dorks, and we only had each other. His dad was a furniture salesman who

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  • couldn't sell a couch for his life; he was too sarcastic for the nice young couples who were looking to buy furniture. Nigel had inherited his father's sarcasm, and our D&D games

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  • were not curing him of his horrible anti-social personality. Everyone just bursts into tears almost every time he talks. It's a bit pathetic. So Nigel went out and bought

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  • some ointment, hoping it would give him more self-confidence about his terrible boil which made him very anti-social

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  • but perhaps his being anti-social was good for everyone else, because who would ever want a friend with a huge boil and that smells like a gymnasium all the time. But the ointment

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  • did more than clear up his hideous pus-dome--it seemed to make him far more attractive in the eyes of his elementary-age peers. No longer was he known as "that kid who looks at his

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  • oozing face-sores every Goddamn day in the bathroom," but rather as a shabby Adonis– well, OK, his bespectacled cousin, more-like, but at least a relative, relatively speaking.

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  • It's hard to place a finger on what made him so attractive, even knowing the relation. But what he felt inside was his and he knew the only person he had to share it with was dead.

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