I had no reason to disbelieve the Kings of

I had no reason to disbelieve the Kings of Leon, but I had to know- was the sex REALLY "on fire"? To get to the bottom of this conundrum, I called up my good friend

Alfred the Lion who had sex over 40 times a day. He told me that there was a certain level of pleasure tha made sex "really on fire." He passed onto me much knowledge such as

Plato, Aristotle, and even some of the Sophists. At first, it was not clear to me how these would enable me to feel such raw sexuality. But, he said something one day that clicked

"You can't spell 'ancient philosopher' without 'erotic prowess.'" Years later, I realized this wasn't actually true, but it was too late. My love life would forever be ruled by

a dog named Micky, he was the one, the one that would

ride me

, so I did. I rode long. I rode hard. I rode like my life depended on it and after most men would have perished from crippling

The animal seemed docile enough despite it's obvious affliction. I thought it odd that I should be met with such a curious animal just as my tire had gone flat.

That's when I noticed that it was really big for a chipmunk... and made of wood. That's when the soldiers popped out and were about to spear me, but instead they changed my tire.