Dopestrong and Alberto Cuntador raced in

Dopestrong and Alberto Cuntador raced in the Tour De Dope to gain fame and fortune. The competition in men's road racing was tough and sponsors paid

through the nose. In fact, "Weedies" put Lance Dopestrong on the cover. Apple-Jacked Up paid to be on his shirt. Steroid Toast Crunch paid to advertise on his helmet.

It was the worst advertisement ever, in my humble opinion. Social justice warriors sobbed upon watching it and were filmed by a youtube member. It went viral, much to their shame.

I couldn't believe it, I was outraged. I went to the Youtube Headquarters and demanded for it to be removed. They laughed in my face, threw a camera at me and shoved me out

, right through a glass window. "You assholes will regret this!" I shouted as I picked myself up, dusting of the bits of glass that were stuck to my clothing. It was only a video o

f the manager dropping a slice of pizza and then picking it up and serving it to the customer. The duped customer claims it is the best slice he's ever had. He notes a hint of Nunn

fuzz and a trace of dryer lint, but that made the pizza that much more authentic New York style. That slice was one any rat would be proud to carry off. The customer smiled and

smashed his face straight into the italian delicacy. "This is delicious!" They screamed in a high pitch tone which made the customers gawk uneasily at the lint eating fanatic.

Realizing his true potential, I rushed him out and opened a chain of laundromats in SoCal, under the name of Lint-Free-Mats. He was happy to clean the lint-traps with his tongue,

provided I then lick his tongue clean of lint. So was it that our next adventure was to Rome, where we pillaged archaeological cites in search of a silver tongue scraper. What fun!