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Awakened after æons, Zalgo, emerging from

  • Awakened after æons, Zalgo, emerging from the unfathomable depths of the most inaccessible icebergs of the southernmost regions of mars, glanced pensively towards Earth
  • and then and there decided that he was to take it as his bride. None of his peers ever even considered the possibility of marrying a planet, let alone an inhabited one, but Zalgo
  • had balls the size of watermelons and literally had to use a wheelbarrow to cart them about. The ceremony was brief and functional, and Zalgo smiled at his new bride: The Earth.
  • The earth had put on some weight since they'd met. Zalgo had expected her to do a crash diet for the wedding photos like everyone else. But the Earth was round and fat
  • and smelled like fast food grease. All the other planets had made an effort: Saturn had lost a ring, Pluto'd gained weight,but only to make planet category again. Zalgo was pissed
  • to his wits and considered annihilating the culprit completely, keeping a blind eye to the consequences this would have for The Order of Things. Zalgo pondered which method to use
  • to restore the emotional toxicity level necessary for society to function under the current system. Shitting his pants at the DMV was a viable option; selling life insurance to
  • the Japanese Mafia was less viable - but was perhaps his only choice. He had forsaken any welcome at the DMV when he had screamed at their beaurocracy and pulled a semi-automatic
  • from his lunchbox. He'd barely gotten out of there. Huddled in the cold wheel-well of a 747 he checked the clip in his gun. "Ladies and gents, welcome to Narita Intl Airport..."
  • He popped the clutch & told L. Ron's DC-8s to eat his dust. Elbowing open the cockpit side window, he unloaded several rounds at the Scieno pilot. Touchdown, he swerved to a halt.

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