Awakened after æons, Zalgo, emerging from

Awakened after æons, Zalgo, emerging from the unfathomable depths of the most inaccessible icebergs of the southernmost regions of mars, glanced pensively towards Earth

and then and there decided that he was to take it as his bride. None of his peers ever even considered the possibility of marrying a planet, let alone an inhabited one, but Zalgo

had balls the size of watermelons and literally had to use a wheelbarrow to cart them about. The ceremony was brief and functional, and Zalgo smiled at his new bride: The Earth.

The earth had put on some weight since they'd met. Zalgo had expected her to do a crash diet for the wedding photos like everyone else. But the Earth was round and fat

and smelled like fast food grease. All the other planets had made an effort: Saturn had lost a ring, Pluto'd gained weight,but only to make planet category again. Zalgo was pissed

to his wits and considered annihilating the culprit completely, keeping a blind eye to the consequences this would have for The Order of Things. Zalgo pondered which method to use

to restore the emotional toxicity level necessary for society to function under the current system. Shitting his pants at the DMV was a viable option; selling life insurance to

the Japanese Mafia was less viable - but was perhaps his only choice. He had forsaken any welcome at the DMV when he had screamed at their beaurocracy and pulled a semi-automatic

from his lunchbox. He'd barely gotten out of there. Huddled in the cold wheel-well of a 747 he checked the clip in his gun. "Ladies and gents, welcome to Narita Intl Airport..."

He popped the clutch & told L. Ron's DC-8s to eat his dust. Elbowing open the cockpit side window, he unloaded several rounds at the Scieno pilot. Touchdown, he swerved to a halt.