"Of course the LGBT community doesn't exist,"

"Of course the LGBT community doesn't exist," muttered Dan, adjusting his tinfoil hat. "It's all a government conspiracy." He poked me on the forehead. "So stop acting like you

know what you're talking about, and wear your tinfoil hat." Dan said, as he handed a triangular cone to put on my head. "Dan, are you sure the aliens are invading now?" I asked him

Suddenly, one of them appeared and fired a laser beam at my noggin. It bounced off the aluminum. I turned to Dan. "You're right. RUN!"

But Dan had used a bargain brand aluminum foil on his hat and the laser beam had gotten through and made his head look like a burned pea on his neck. As I ran, I swore that

I'd eat that pea, that crunchy-toasty little morsel and I'd gain all his powers of sarcasm and irony.. and then I'd write....Oh, I'd write, alright... I'd write

... but first, I needed a nice long nap. I snuggled into bed and pulled the blankets over me up to my chin. It took a while for my brain to stop buzzing. I tried counting

elephants but they felt to heavy. Then I tried counting cloud but too light. Octopi were to clingy. I ended up counting ceiling tiles and just as I dozed off one fell down on top o

f a giant Raccoon that would grant me one wish. I looked at the clinging octopi and the heavy elephants. The magical Raccoon smiled at me and floated to the sky like a Djinn. It wa

oon regaled Flapper crooners who sang about cathedrals of gunsmiths like today's talking heads effuse about a Bieber or a Gomez. Location, location, location but moment instead.