Long nights at sea drove me into her arms.

Long nights at sea drove me into her arms. Well, I should say arm. She only has one. The left one. One left arm and one right leg. That's my girl. The girl for me if only I

Didn't also have the misfortune of having one arm. The opposite one. No holding hands on an evening stroll for us. No. Instead, we had other ways of showing the world our love.

For instance, we liked "to bump uglies." The "uglies" we're referring to are our ugly arm stumps. We bonk them to show support. I adapted a beanie and a roach clip for my stump

but the roach merely scuttled off of the paper clips, dispensing my amputee communist propaganda about the reservoir. Plus when I bumped her ugly stump, she toppled into the tank

head first and nearly drowned! I had to save her to keep my reputation as an amputee loving philanthopist. Sometimes I even surprise myself with my own

philanthropism. Another time I saved the Headless Horseman from certain death when he stopped on rail tracks. Only after I realized that maybe I had saved one person too many

I wandered the streets looking for some head. A little head. Some good head. I wasn't trying to be picky. Any head was better than no head. I just wanted to get ahead. Finally,

I saw Drake in the distance. Now that's a big head. A very big head. He saw me saw him, and he stood there, expecting me to go up to him or something. "How wack," I thought.

Then, another thought (which I guess had always been there waiting for the right moment): this smallest head contest is stupid. Drake and I shook hands and bought a B&B in Vt.