Emilia knelt at the church. "Oh Christ! Save

Emilia knelt at the church. "Oh Christ! Save me from my sins!" she cried. "I took one too many free samples at the meatball shop and now I'm banned!" "Hmm. That is pretty serious.

Then my teeth began to fall out, one at a time, until now I have none left. My implsnts artive tomorrow, but I am not returning to the meatball shop. I have become vegetarian.

I falafel, but I refuse to apologize. Having no teeth makes it tough to talk coherently. I like bean a vegetarian because

it was my main source of protein. I quinoa, and I baklava. I hummus, and I tofu. In fact, my food sources are closer to the sun which grant me deity status.

I soon ate my way into Godhood. I became the most powerful God there was except Zeus, Jesus and Godzilla. I was able to manipulate things like the weather and time. I traveled

to each and every country, spoke with each and every leader, and calmly explained each and every detail. "I am your god," I said, "Now show me where you keep the pizza bagels."

This method was effective enough until I spoke with the leader of Communist China, who neither believed in a god or in pizza bagels. We settled on Egg Fu Yung at Lucky Dragon.

"I suppose you might expect some reference to Shoes of the Fisherman," the Chinese leader offered during our desultory lunch at Lucky Dragon. The interview was going better than

a waterboarding session. I felt compelled to tell the Chinese leader whatever he wanted to hear. "I expect the Fisherman's Shoes themselves!" I shouted & pounded a fork, sending it

end over end at an incredible rate of speed until it speared the Chinese leader through his bamboo Tunic and into his darkened heart piercing it and causing it to stop instantly!