"Two pennies and a dime, one yours and two

"Two pennies and a dime, one yours and two mine." The baby brother argued that this wasn't fair, and that he was getting more. Tom replied that he was the eldest, so he deserved

the punishment. The punishment was our village's way of atoning for the crimes of community. These are the evil things we all do that no one knows about. Tom prepared for the

giant wicker man we placed in the town square. We wrote down our sins and placed them in the woven body. Tom lit his arrow and let fly into tarry pitch. The bonfire

I winced. "Geez, sir, it's just a little arson, I mean, come on man... I need the money for my girlfriend's poodle insurance!" But my ex-boss was unyielding. "Tom," he said, "You

know nothing about poodle investment. Do you realize the cost of hydroponic equipment has tripled in the last two quarters? Anyway Tom, you're doing it all wrong. Use a flammable

liquid to strip paint, and a poodle cleansing cream to strip dead skin off of your poodle. If you do it the other way around you'll end up spending a fortune on poodle moisturizer!

And all that poodle moisturizer slathered on your poodle will make it absorb moisture from the air like a sponge! It will swell up into a big squishy soggy wet dripping mess.

But just wring your super-absorbant poodle out and he is ready to dehumidify even the dankest of basements. Sure, he only eats those tiny, expensive tins of dog food, but he is

a sworn loyal friend who also covertly infiltrated your mother-in-law's house after the holidays and deleted all her Facebook posts about your inadequacies.