I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus was playing

  • I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus was playing on the old Victrola; I had just checked back in from a brief blackout session. But Santa had Mommy bent over the sofa arm sans knickers
  • . "I KNEW IT!" bellowed Santa "You poor things..can't even afford undies!" As my mother put her skirt back on, Santa went to his sled for some BVD's. "But I want an xbox!" I wailed
  • , but only for a moment when I saw what Santa brought me from his big brown sack: the whitest, softest, comfiest pair of cotton underpants I had ever laid eyes on. "Oooo! For ME?"
  • "This is exactly what I wanted! Thanks Santa!" I put on the luxuriously soft underpants, sighing contentedly. Maybe this Christmas wouldn't suck after all.
  • At some point I looked up & everybody had gone off to the Christmas Mass leaving me behind in my new comfy underwear & all the mess from the gift openings. It was sucking big time.
  • Well it’s not so bad. At least I don’t have to go to Mass. And since I’m alone, I can walk around the house in my underwear drinking Vodka Eggnog without being judged!
  • “But wait,” drunk me thought, “why not go to Mass in my underwear while drinking Vodka Eggnog?” I groggily grabbed an umbrella, egg, and a bottle of vodka and jumped out the window
  • to my death. The coroner ruled it as a Yuletide suicide, but he was wrong. I had just had too much spirit of the season. At least I wouldn't have to send any more cards or go to
  • midnight mass with Ma and Aunt Gertrude, listening to them fart and giggle—a result of eating too many roasted chestnuts and drinking too much eggnog. Death by Christmas cheer.
  • Then Ma got a really BAD idea: Climb the Christmas tree! Gertrude and Ma started up toward the vaulted ceiling. At the top, the Kmart tree stand tipped & they fell to their deaths.


  1. Jimbeau Nov 12 2019 @ 20:21

    Dark...very dark...lol

  2. IceSquad Nov 12 2019 @ 22:12

    This one's for the flamin' highlight reel.

  3. LordVacuity Nov 12 2019 @ 23:48

    The Yuletide just isn't good for that family.

  4. Woab Nov 13 2019 @ 14:05

    Man, it's like some sorta FoldingStory Xmas Opera, what with all the bad judgement and falling to deaths! I love it.

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