I postponed reaching maturity by thirty years—the

I postponed reaching maturity by thirty years—the expectation far outweighed the consequence—and, afterwards, I still felt so intolerably lacking. “If you don’t grow up, “Mother

won't be you friend anymore"," he said, quoting my Mother. One day my tin drum broke and I decided to grow up. Overnight, I went from being 9 for 30 years to being a 39 year old.

Since I'd been 9 for 30 years until this morning. I found I might have skipped too much by not growing up. Going for kid size to adult took some getting used to. Puberty lasted two

minutes, and was incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassing, as it occurred during Christmas dinner. Boobs sprang from my chest and I got my period just as I reached for the peas. I

was in deep doo-doo now, mostly because my voice changed, and I was meant to be in the Christmas choir for the evening mass. Ragging my communion robes was not a pretty look.

"Here comes everybody," snickered Agatha O'Neill to her husband Ogambu Ping.To his credit, Mr. Ping did not murder his wife until the day after Christmas. As for my choir efforts,

I discovered why nobody else had signed up for the gig. The choir I inherited was bad. Not only couldn't most of them carry a tune. They were used to singing cartoon theme songs. I

heard them sing the Mighty Mouse theme song (poorly) inside the Section 411 restroom at the Pig-shit Bowl, where people in shorts chase after a greased, motorized, squealing pig.

then, the unthinkable happened! Somebody dove in for the big, and it vanished into thin air! To this day, nobody knows the truth, that the pig was the sound of the people who died.

It came down to that. People died for the truth.