Ralph was a rude crude dude! He didn't was

Ralph was a rude crude dude! He didn't was his hands he just spit in his palm and rubbed his hands together. In a little while strings of filth would form and fall off his hands.

He used the white wispy bacteria-ridden saliva strings to create the impression of "smoke" for his dime-store magic show that he forced his little brother to watch. But his brother

, though only 5 years old, already had other plans. He recognized the real potential of his older brother's spittle, and siphoned Reggie's drool while he slept. The 10 gallon vat

of semen that he had collected was now no match for his 20 gallon vat of Reggie's spittle. He carefully toted the vat of his brother's salivary secretions all the way to

sent the entire shipment of thick saliva to Silicone Valley, because my brother is an idiot. However a go-getter IT start-up invented a revolutionary new product using the drool:

the iDrool. It was basically a plastic box filled with saliva and copper wires sticking out, but somehow Apple managed to market it. I found myself standing in line for it when

Steve Jobs himself tapped me on the shoulder. "Boy are you going to love this one. Unlimited battery life and a display that looks great in any kind of lighting" he said, grinning.

"Uh, that's great Mr. Jobs but what you are showing me is a glass of water." "NO!" he yelled in my face, "It's an iGlass of water! We ship tomorrow!" I knew then that Dell would

not sanction this unwanted invasion by her husband Farmer. There would be no more Farmer in this Dell. His "Farmville" would have to be played on some other iTorturing device.