From the time that I was twelve and fell

From the time that I was twelve and fell in love with a girl named Wendy, beautiful daughter of my mother’s friend from law school, I wanted to get married and have a family.

But my dreams were destroyed by a crazy detour sponsored by Angel Dust, so I ended up

doing people's taxes down at H&R Block. They didn't drug test and I could add pretty decently actually. One guy got really mad when I

commented on his witholding and he thought I was making a pass or something. He grabbed my stapler and backed away from my desk. I grabbed him by his tie and

and synched it up tightly while looking longingly at the paisly whorls in mauve and olive tones and then gingerly pressed the button

. The elevator doors opened and a torrent of karo syrup and red food coloring flooded the hallway. I could tell Kubrick had been to this hotel. Across the hall, twin girls stared.

I started to try to make a quick getaway to the old abandoned hedge maze outside. I knew that if I could make it to the center, I would be able to plea to the Minotaur for help.

I'd left my hedgeclippers on the front seat so I wouldn't have time to trim over to where I was heading, but I could see a reflection clearly from the shiny zeppelin's underbelly.

That was the sign I'd been waiting for. I quickly ran over to the haystack, where I'd hid the remote for the bomb. I frantically dug through the hay as I was running out of time.

Why had I fashioned it in the shape of a needle? I found it sticking from my left thumb. I shoved it deep into my thumb to engage it and screamed as nothing happened. Another dud.