The night before our departure, I could hardly

The night before our departure, I could hardly contain my excitement. Leaving for Ireland for a marching band performance was the opportunity of a lifetime, especially for St. Patr

ick's Day. I knew this would be the adventure of a lifetime. But, what I did not expect was to meet a man who would change my life. He was

a real later day saint. I mean that he had an aura or halo around his head and he never tread on an insect or harmed a fly. He was the patron saint of crawly things. I met him in

-cognito. I was wearing a French Maid outfit he was dressed like a Federal Express Drop Box. I lifted the lid and said, "You're Holiness I think

it's time for your daily feeding." So, I cracked open a fresh virgin altar boy to take the edge off his hunger. The pontiff was insatiable, but as long as I kept the stream of

Pineapple soda going, he seemed insatiably happy. He loved playing chess too. His secretary logged his chess moves and this was to teach others this strategic game.

Nobody ever learned from his moves because his secretary used a nonnetworked connected computer. She was still paying for her Prodigy account even though they had already folded.

Seeing him sitting there, naked from the waist up, hairier than anyone had ever seen, staring blankly--lips perched tight, eyes squinting blindly--at an unconnected computer scree

n, the unsent email glitching out of existence on the bathroom floor, while he struggled to reach the computer from the toilet seat. The time was 11.59pm. He must send this email.