"Peak oil is here!" read the headline. I

"Peak oil is here!" read the headline. I looked at the long line of SUVs at the pump. We'd been caught sleeping. While the U.S. economy staggered, China's soared. Suntech dominated

a market no one cared about. But Cheney wasn't worried. This was his plan the whole time. He'd begun to like his weakened heart. Now that China's economy was oil-based he

could finally get the salad dressing he desired. Only pure crude would do for his needs, the only thing that could keep the beast within. Cheney drank the oil, leaving a stain

on the car waxing rag that he wiped his mouth with. He put down his salad fork and excused himself to the pit stop restroom. After he gassed up, he returned to the dinner table

and started eating the furniture with his sharp teeth, getting splinters on his throat as a result. He was gasping for breath as he was choking to death.

But even as the wooden shards shredded his esophagus, he hungered for more.His ravenous appetite could not be sated,not even by the blistering pain or the oncoming threat of death

. An emergency call went out to the police. The public library research staff had barricaded themselves in the microfiche stacks. A were-termite was on the loose

eating their past with ravenous aplomb. As it ate the history it consumed began to impact reality. Abe Lincoln was no longer a President, but became instead a diabolical

penguin, making missiles to fly into the Indian ocean.

And so it was with destructive force that the Penguin Militia finally abolished Hindu's caste-imposed socially-immobile dystopic oppression.