It was the night before my birthday. And

An orphan's life is never easy but Birthdays are especially hard. Even if you are fortunate enough to know your real birthday. Some of us were given a birthday by Guess. "You look

like a February 29er," said Mr. Guess, the orphanage's principal. All of us orphans were given a February 29th birthday. It was cheaper to have just one party every four years.

So based on pure cheapness the Presidential Elections are held every four years. This is the same reason the olympics are every four years as well as

locusts migrations. The government then decided that Elections should be held every two years, then four months, and then once a week, like American Idol. Phone banks were set up.

Everything went well for a while. But when Ronald Reagan (god save his soul) won the latest round, there was rioting. Well, there would have been, but everyone was too busy

trickling down their legs. Perhaps they had taken the metaphor too far... 80s economic theories aren't funny, but piss is. At any rate, The Gipper (god save his soul) responded by

taking a deep breath and once again explaining Keynes' theory of Employment, interest and money. Perhaps they didn't understand the part about the spiritus animales. "It's NOT abou

t love, it is about a harsh reality that double couponing at your local mart is more than a f**ked up way to slap that mom & pop store in the face and piss on their shoes." please

d with his description of the decline of family businesses & rise of chain store conglomerates he pissed in all the boots at his local Payless. It cured his anger & the leather.