The afternoon of the late night luncheon

The afternoon of the late night luncheon was a farce. My aunt drove into the rose bushes and said the cheese was old and the pasta was sleek and sexy, she then grabbed

an old soup bone she had named Dr. Oz and started sucking out the marrow, unaffected by the sounds of disgust of the people around her. This led to my aunt's eventual

abduction by aliens. now, that was the last straw. My dad was eaten by werewolves, my uncle turned into a zombie, and my grandma got ran over by a reindeer. So I

was in a Hollywood family, sure. Problem was my family always played bit roles who were killed off. My godfather was the unknown ensign who died in star trek twelve times. I wanted

a little better than that. I wasn't just going to be some extra that died off in his first appearance, so I signed up to play a troubled, likable youth on a show called Law & Order

, just the plain one, no colon. Now, my names seems to be "that guy who was once on Law and Order". If not for that, I'd never have met

that hot chick who volunteered to play Santa for our local cable access show "Kitch". I was amazed by her ability to morph into Santa. She's all of 2'8. With heels.

But wearing the beard and stuffing a pillow under the suite, a close in shot made for passable imitation of St. Nick. Anyway, it was just to advertise for the novelty hookers that

had become common at the North Pole ever since global warming turned it into a Miami Beach-type scene. The elves had plenty of scratch and an insatiable thirst for erotic

printed beach t-shirts.. Eventually they bought so many that they replaced the toys the elves should have been making. And that is why we now wish everybody "Merry Thongmas"