Ben & Jerry's has a new Pot Brownie Batter

Ben & Jerry's has a new Pot Brownie Batter ice cream, which means dieting is officially a non-thing. I hide my stash in a secret compartment in my water bottle. Dogs always sniff

my lunchbox instead. This one day, a cop pulled me over and started to interrogate me. His dog sniffed around the car and while we weren't looking, it found my stash and rolled

a cannonball into my groin as punishment. Damn, those police dogs are mean. I took this to a tribunal for police brutality, but the dog ate the jury and got off. My revenge was to

hire Ceasar the Dog Whisperer to put a hit on the police dog. The k-9 was lying low in some pet motel in the midwest but Ceasar, he was the best dog slayer in the country.

Cesar Millan is best known for training unruly pets, but what people don't know is the pets he cant train he kills. Cesar found himself staring into the eyes of the police dog hold

ing Cesar's rap sheet. He'd killed the wrong dog's mate this time. "Bark, bark bark bark!" said the police dog. Cesar mugged for the camera. He said "Exercise, discipline and

lots and lots of Hershey's syrup" Damnit, this isnt working, Cesar whined. I'm plugging my movie, 3 new dog training manuals, a new line of Tshirts, a cookbook AND Hersheys syrup?

"Cesar" I said "I know your financial advisor is probably telling you to diversify right now, but I would say that you should concentrate on plugging just 1 or 2 of these things."

"That's easy to say, but hard to do," Cesar replied. "Which one? The Nimbus 2000, the Mojowijo, the Lady Gag Gag, the Avatar Fleshlight?" "Okay, okay," I stopped him. "I didn't

want to spend all my savings today. Do you have maybe, like, a catalog I could just leaf through?"