Quetzalcoatl, Czernobog and a sentient hamster

  • Quetzalcoatl, Czernobog and a sentient hamster named Myrtle walked into a bar on Tenerife. Quetzalcoatl ordered a Sex on the Beach, Czernobog a Jack and Coke, and Myrtle

  • ordered a Bloody Mary, but seemed content to munch the celery stick garni. Quetzalcoatl, Czernobog, and Myrtle the sentient hamster noticed a $100 bill on the bar. Their hot server

  • was on standby for the longest time. Quetzalcoatl hissed, and Myrtle gulped. Czernobog perceived that the little hamster was nervous, so he called for another round of spirits.

  • Myrtle was a light weight & pretty soon, the world was rotating like a giant treadmill. She puked into Czernobog's offering bowl. Mictecacihuatl said "Maybe she swallowed a star."

  • And she had. The stat she ate actually burned her insides severely. It was only now that the injuries really began to show, as her skin boiled from the inside out. It smelled bad.

  • "Being boiled from the inside out stinks," she said. "Yeah, tell me about it," said her friend Ann, who had never experienced any such thing. "I fell into a volcano once," she lied

  • , but it wasn't active." Just thinking of being boiled from the inside out made her think of that scene in Infinite Jest when the father sticks his head in the microwave. Fantods!

  • This frog refused to let the gargoyle boil it. It escaped into the kitchen closet and hid among the potato chips and salsa. The father is not a big fan of television shows.

  • So imagine the family's surprise when they learned he had signed them all up to participate in a brand new reality TV direction by filming inside a toilet. It was an ironclad contr

  • act, and the toilet was one of those mother-of-pearl gadgets that would make anyone feel honored to sit on it. The show was a big hit, but the scenes inside the toilet were shitty.



  1. LordVacuity Mar 04 2018 @ 23:03

    The name of the show was As The Flush Swirls.

  2. Woab Mar 05 2018 @ 11:20

    Good finale, TarotGuy. I'd love a mother-of-pearl toilet seat. It wouldn't show stains. Have I said too much?

  3. SlimWhitman Mar 05 2018 @ 15:07

    Not on Foldingstory you haven't.

  4. jayursus Mar 05 2018 @ 16:17

    What happens on Foldingstory....

  5. TarotGuy Mar 07 2018 @ 08:57

    Woab: Yes, a mother-of-pearl toilet seat would certainly be elegant. Every day you could have a royal flush.

  6. Woab Mar 07 2018 @ 10:59

    I am flushing just thinking about it.

  7. jayursus Mar 13 2018 @ 20:13

    Flush with success with a gen-yu-wine Muthuh-a-Purl mother-of-pearl toilet seat! You too can void your bowels with a carefree nonchalance that only the filthy rich have known - until now!

  8. LordVacuity Mar 13 2018 @ 20:46

    Tell me more Mr. Flim Flam Man!

  9. jayursus Mar 13 2018 @ 21:49

    Marvel at the craftsmanship - hand-carved by nearly-blind octogenarian abalone divers in scenic Poughkeepsie!

  10. LordVacuity Mar 13 2018 @ 23:02

    Does is come with its own flange nut?

  11. jayursus Mar 13 2018 @ 23:10

    But....does it come with its own flange nut? You betcha! Not one, not two, not even three, but an incredible 496 flange nuts, handcrafted by Swiss gnomes from the souls of naughty German kids abducted by Krampus are INCLUDED with the price! And, if you act now, KRAMPUS IS INCLUDED!* (*Flange Nut Enterprises reserves the right to substitute a demon of lesser stature if Krampus is otherwise occupied. No warranty is to be assumed by this practice).

  12. LordVacuity Mar 13 2018 @ 23:39

    I don't know. I had planned on buying magic beans with this money. Ma will be really sore at me if I don't come home with magic beans. She gets kind of scary if she misses her magic beans.

  13. jayursus Mar 14 2018 @ 10:36

    Balking at the cost (a reasonable $10K)? DON'T! Muthuh-a-Purl mother-of-pearl toilet seats practically pay for themselves! Install one of these beauties, and people for miles around *INSERT CITY NAME HERE* will flock to see it - and pay! And if they don't - there's an iron*-class money**-back guarantee! *Flange Nut Enterprises (a subsidiary of Acme Inc) reserves the right to substitute a metaphorical substance of lesser density, hardness and/or luster - up to including marshamllow - if metaphorical iron is temporarily unavailable due to high demand) **Flange Nut Enterprises (a subsidiary of Acme Inc) reserves the right to substitute a money of another (possibly fictional) country and/or board game in this circumstance.

  14. Woab Mar 14 2018 @ 12:46

    Jayursus, you are hilarious. What happens if I call right now?

  15. LordVacuity Mar 14 2018 @ 15:29

    No no Woab, I called first. Don’t it make my brown eyes blue is getting ready to finish so the next song should be Debbie Boone’s You Light up my life. Yep, You light up my… I’m on hold.

  16. jayursus Mar 14 2018 @ 16:03

    But WAIT! If you call right now on our direct toll-free line at 800-744-8789 (that's 800 SHI-TSUX) and are among the first 50 in your area to call, you will receive absolutely free* the item sweeping Portugal** by storm, the one, the only SHAM-WOW SNUGGIE!!! Tired of having to leave the warm comfort of your couch to clean unsightly kitchen spills? SHAM-WOW SNUGGIE makes this a thing of the past - now you can remain cozy comfy AND absorb up to 37 times your own body weight in spilled liquid***! Operator is standing by! *item is free with payment of shipping, handling, import tariff, V.A.T. and hazardous materials handling fees totaling $1,987.36, payable only in cashier check and cash. ** Portugal, Indiana ***Flange Nut Enterprises (a subsidiary of Acme Inc, a subsidiary of Beatrice-Comcast-Time Warner-GE), pursuant to U.S. penal code and applicable statutes, does not accept liability for hazardous liquids absorbed or created by the SHAM-WOW SNUGGIE product.

  17. LordVacuity Mar 14 2018 @ 17:58

    Wait. That ACME name is tickling a small bell on the fringe of my hat. Isn't ACME the same outfit where the Coyote always gets his stuff and it always backfires on him. It is. Well, No Sir, Mr. Flim FLam Man I think I will take my money to the Gypsy woman in yon Traveler's Wagon.

  18. jayursus Mar 14 2018 @ 18:14

    Welcome to Gypsy Woman Traveler's Wagon Enterprises, a subsidiary of Acme Inc, part of the Unilever-Beatrice-Comcast-Time Warner-GE Global People's Conglomorate Inc Ltd), how may I help you?

  19. LordVacuity Mar 14 2018 @ 18:16

    I'm just trying to score some magic beans for my Ma.

  20. jayursus Mar 14 2018 @ 18:18

    Sorry, no magic beans here, but can we interest you in 40-50 Sham-Wow Snuggies?

  21. LordVacuity Mar 14 2018 @ 18:20

    My Ma is 6'8" and can bench press a fly swatter if he, has to be a he, keeps still long enough and he's got to hold the tv antenna above his head. She can't miss her Stories or her magic beans. Where's her magic beans?

  22. LordVacuity Mar 14 2018 @ 18:22

    Gypsy lady, you should get married to Mr. Flim Flam man. You are made for each other. I am going to go try my luck at the casino.

  23. jayursus Mar 14 2018 @ 18:23

    (searches in pocket for lint balls) Good sir, magic beans, as you requested. Water them at night and feed them with 4-5 pints of your blood, and good luck will come your way. Can I interest you in a bloodletting knife?

Want to leave a comment?

Sign up!