Mother always said "Don't play with your

Mother always said "Don't play with your food" but this is a matter of life & death. But to complete the magic I need a ripe mango. Where in this carnage will I find exotic fruit?

I caught a flier for the Fruit of the Month Club being pushed by the breeze. "They send mangoes, but a month of kiwis? Apples too? I'll pass." I tapped my wand on mother's wounds

with wild abandon. My mother screamed, "Ow!" and the cat finally woke up. Her wounds were all steamy and pink like boiled ham. I sipped dastardly and said with a thick Russian

accent. "Does anyone have vodka? Векж эа льюкяльиюч пырикульа позтюлант" I said in a drunk manner. Although I did a mean Russian accent, the cat was not amused and mother was hurt

that I'd reminded her of that day at the Polytechnical Gymnasium that she had cursed out a street cat for being a dead soul without a penny to its name. That cat had scratched out

the dread names of its tormentor, which we misinterpreted as a prophetic warning against Polly and Jim, who up until now had been model members of the Claymation Sexual Deviant Bri

-degroom Club, which had vowed to make an honest woman of any plasticine playgirl. (Polly was gay, don't judge her.) Polly and Jim both had their eye on Jenny Sue, even though she

Was technically made from orange peel. Something about them orange girls was very aPEELing. They decided to hold a contest to see who could woo her. Polly and Jims first task was

With an over zealous lick to each person's neck, the girl crinkled her nose and proclaimed she had always preferred Clementines. Neither one won Orange Bowl tickets that year.