*Freeze frame* *record scratch* Yep, that's

*Freeze frame* *record scratch* Yep, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this situation. Well here's the deal: It all started one quiet summer morning, when I was

On bournmouth beach, holding a fishing rod and mobile phone on one had and my six year old son on the other. A lifeguard came up to me and asked me if I knew there was no fishing

of children allowed on Bournemouth beach, but it was fine to fish for other things, like hippos, iguanas and pterodactyls. I hastily unhooked my 6 year old child from the line and

used condom. I couldn't have just left it so I decided to

use it. I'm not a dope. I washed it out and then put it on inside out. She inspected it rigorously with her mouth before she said we were ready to smash. I don't know we but I was.

I did not expect the lump hammer to the head during the second round. A smash becomes more smashing with brain damage. I think I found God that day. Or a walrus impersonating Him

, or maybe it was just my trainer, Lou. One moment he was on the sidelines calling me a "lady" and the next moment (after the lump hammer) he had become a walrus God. And I was His

most trusted trainee. Seemingly everything went down hill from that point, unless, a few days pass and suddenly I heard a knock on the door and the loud call "Lady!,Lady!" I went

down and quickly swung it open. Nothing. 9 autumns later, the events of that week are but a distant memory. I still occasionally hear the word "lady" in the rustling of the leaves.