"Today on Kitchen Miracles we're going to

"Today on Kitchen Miracles we're going to fix filet mignon in a lobster sauce, smothered in caviar and truffles, for a family of four, all for only $10! First you want to start

with 10 Toaster Strudels and a bucket of mud. Liquidise them together until they are the consistency of bat vomit and leave in the rain until rancid. Next take the heart of a virgi

nia artichoke and choke it heartily over the bucket of rancid goo. Now your marinade is ready. Dunk your carcass of choice into the goo bucket 3 times. Not 2, not 4, but 3 times.

Uncle Jessie then started up the chainsaw to carve the ham. He kept smelling his fingers and whistling at his dog. Then he lit a blowtorch and held up Grannie's cat and said, "

IMMA BLOWTORCH THIS CAT IF YOU DON'T MEET MAH DEMANDS!!" Uncle Jessie didn't seem to know what his demands were, and seemed to attribute most of the blame for his actions to

tainted moonshine. "I'd keep that blowtorch away from the still." Boss Hog threw the cat at Uncle Jesse. "WHAT WE HAVE HAR IS A FAILURE TO COMM.." A FOOMF came from the copper

as Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane's colitis was acting up. "Roscoe," screamed Boss Hogg, "not now!" Jesse, Bo, Luke, and Daisy narrowly escaped the explosion. Now that Hogg was dead,

There was anarchy in Blazzaville. The Sherriff arrested a stray dog for starting the fire, but the dog escaped. It was my fault, I told the police.

I hadn't fed him very well, or sent him to obedience school, that's why he went bad.So the police sent the dog catcher over to pick me up and stick me in the Pound in his place

Lemme tell you, the Purina Puppy Chow they serve in the pound must be at LEAST 2 months over the expiration date. But that's what you get when you end up in the dog house.