I knew one day this would come, the lettuce

  • I knew one day this would come, the lettuce finally took her sweet revenge! As her great leafy head loomed over my sprawled limbs I begged her, "oh merciful lettuce creature,do you
  • have it within you to forgive me?! How was I to know that lettuces were sentient?! Let me live!" She shook her head back and forth and gestured at my compost pile. It was littered
  • with the corpses of dead vegetables. Little lettuce families slaughtered by the dozen. I hung my head in guilt. "What are you going to do to me?" I asked. In response she raised
  • my salary by 3000. "thats for using your initiative. I people like you. The second war of the vegetables will come soon and it will be long and bitter." I asked to be excused. My
  • god was I ferociously sanguine about the whole thing. I wanted to destroy evil endive, I wanted to root out rutabagas march them off to the ovens. I wanted vegetable vengeance
  • I would start with romanesco and kohlrabi first. Endive, I would save for last. I strapped on my Vegeradicator 9001, buttered my kneecaps, and shaved my nipples. It was time.
  • The sun was about to rise and I knew it was now or never. The world will finally know! I climbed up the tallest building in the city and once at the top, unfolded the massive flag
  • of my new sovereign nation. I didn't care that no-one would recognise it. This tower block had been claimed for Flaggania! I got my photographer to snap a majestic sunrise shot of
  • the fiery star cresting over the McDonalds and casting an "M" shadow over the parking lot. Cheeseburgers were my newly-declared nation's prime export, and as the king of Foldovia I
  • declare every meal a happy meal & in each happy meal there shall be a fortune cookie & inside the cookie my folds to edify & nourish the populace of Foldovia. So be it!


  1. Scribbly Jun 18 2015 @ 00:57

    Anyone notice how half the time you get a fortune cookie, it's not even a fortune? A lot of times it's just advice. Sometimes it's just a statement like, "The grass is always greener on the other side." We should probably kill them.

Want to leave a comment?

Sign up!