It all started when I found my grandfather's

It all started when I found my grandfather's old passport. There were stamps from Japan, Nigeria and Bolivia. And all in the 1920s. What was he doing there? And why the pinecones?

"Pinecones are a necessary addition to any windowsill," my mother had told me once, but then she'd winked like it was code for something. Perhaps in Bolivia granddad had

destroyed the bathroom one too many times and my mom vowed then and there to place pinecones along every flat surface in the house. As we all know, pine scent is the antidote

to masculinity. As a result the mother made her son become her daughter. The mother made him wear a dress and curtsy to strangers. She made him wear a training bra.

It was embarrassing & disturbing since he thought he was made of snails & puppy dog tails. He was a moma's daughter for 18 years & then he broke out. He sang, "I want to be free

God knows I want to be free." As he hoovered the house. He fancied himself a talented singer. Maybe he would pursue a career.

"This house like a Hooverville", his wife complained. It was not enough to hoover the house. He had to take the trash out. "That's your job", he told his wife. She beat him with a

12 second sprint to the curb and back. The other husbands laughed. This injured his pride and he swore he would never allow her to take out the garbage again. That night, she stole

In the catalog there were coupons, and who doesn't like a good deal? "Those clam-diggers don't grow on trees," she said, determined to be well-stocked for the upcoming flood.