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Shuffling non-threatengly down the street,

  • Shuffling non-threatengly down the street, a horde of perfectly harmless Zombies™ (newly reformed and safe in every way, We Promise!™) headed to their day jobs.
  • The recycling of corpses replenished the workforce of the aging population and a economic boom made the U.S. a superpower again and the inventor of harmless Zombies™ Vandemort rich
  • The patent rights for Zombie Safe provided a comfortable income, but his riches came from franchising the Zombie supply and repair business, "Dead Certain". With over 2,000
  • retailers nationwide and plans for expansion, he had obviously made a living on stretching the truth about zombies. "Fortify your boarded windows with spit and Robitussin," he said
  • on the TV. Every day he bought the cheapest ad time available, often during the Oprah knockoffs. "Come down to Ed's for your lumber, jibsaws and razor wire. We've even got
  • shotguns you can shoot yourself with." This last offer was a very successful one, as people were often extremely depressed when they actually saw Ed's store. It was covered with
  • astro turf in an attempt to also run a driving range on the outside of Ed's store which on paper was genius but what ended up happening was
  • people turned it into a launching pad for food fights. They'd bring a sandwich, soda, and a five iron, and launch them into the nearest office park. A fued broke out between
  • the Crips and the Bloods. The Crips, who had been crippled from birth, were angry because the Bloods, who had been crippled after birth, weren't filing their taxes. Preposterous!
  • The prolonged, bloody gang war raged for decades, until the two gangs agreed to get married and file their taxes jointly. Peace prevails after all!

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