Somewhere, dawn was breaking. I could hear

Somewhere, dawn was breaking. I could hear it. It sounded very much like breaking glass. I'm not a morning person, and I don't respond well to being yanked out of my warm bed by

the owners of the houses I break into. I'm not a burglarer, I'm just a drunk who likes cat tranquilizers and sometimes I just got to lay down. Once in Agoura I found a house with

sat down and pressed the buttons marked with strange looking symbols. It was a bidet alright, but aliens had a different idea about

butt-structure than we did. Six jets of iridescent liquid with a metallic sheen pulverized my asshole until my face became contorted into a permanent expression of madness.

"That's what I get for using the 'fancy toilets'" he thought, rubbing his sore anus. "They really need to have a switch to turn off that jet function." Slipping on his pants, he

crawled around on his hands and knees for a while. Not being able to sit on his ass was becoming tiring very quickly and he cursed the toilet.

With a last sidelong glance at the toilet, he clambered out the window and down the tree. Shuffling into traffic he flagged down a passing motorist. "Help!" He cried. "My ass is

about to explode! No!" I said as he attempted to pull away, "I mean like fireball explosion, not the other kind." He drove me to the military base where they got the bomb squad

and the anti-bomb-bombs. The idea behind these was that they would blow up the bomb before it exploded. This never really worked.