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Growing up I was one to believe in treating

  • Growing up I was one to believe in treating everyone equally, I was taught that diversity is a beautiful thing.

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  • So imagine my dismay when I woke up one night to find a burning cross had been planted in the middle of my front lawn.

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  • Ah was never one to let uh good smore roast pass me by, so ah hustled me chillun outside with uh bag of Jet-Puff an' some Hersheys wit de grahams to share wit them pointy hat white

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  • kids. Buh nobody understood me. I'm such uh truhbled soul, yuh know. Ah got no friends, 'cause ain't noobody got time to smoke Doritos in the wintah.

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  • I raised my hands to the heavens and just then the sun came out and blinded my eyes. I lost balance, toppled backwards and landed in Donald Trump's

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  • way as he was barreling toward a buffet table. The Donald tripped over me and landed face-down in a lemon gelatin salad with carrots in it. His face tightened into a knot as he

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  • landed on a serving cart his weight had just put in motion towards the kitchen. One waiter gave a thought to stopping it but saw it was Trump threw up his hands and said "Hell no!"

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  • Trump ate a whole roasted chicken from whole foods, saying to his supporters, "This is better than average, folks. Want some of it?"

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  • I wasn't taking it. I wanted a taco. So I left to find a taco truck. I wandered around town for FORTY-FIVE minutes before I found one. "This is an outrage!" I told the taco guy.

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  • He was unimpressed, and whacked me around the face with hard taco shells. That made my blood boil, so I exploded in a ball of flame, and took out the taco thug tastefully.

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