"Hands up who ever felt like punching a kitten

"Hands up who ever felt like punching a kitten in the face?" The audience went quiet, not a peep, and I thought I had them with my last joke. I guess this town ain't ready for

a stand-up sadist routine. Man! What was I gonna do for money now? I already tried being a mercenary, worked for a while as a part-time executioner, even served as a suicide bomber

but becoming a German Nazi was not an option for me. "I'd rather not do this, please," I told the assigner. I don't want to go back in time and do this. Please just send me

across space, not time; time travel doesn't count toward frequent flyer miles. Alas. I was assigned to 1930's Germany, where I sought an easy out. Tickets for the LZ 129 Hindenburg

where all sold out. I opted for its equally ill-fated but less reknown cousin the LZ 69 von Schlüchzenschnauzer III. The ticketbooth clerk asked? "Wie Bitte?" My time-traveling was

was to really lame places at totally stupid times. Like I wanted to time travel to prehistoric times. I set the dial. and ended up at the time when there was only life at the botto

m of the sea. Unfortunately, I too was at the bottom of the sea, and my time machine wasn't really watertight. Salt water trickled in, shorting the control panel. A prehistoric

sea creature, a megalodon, shot out from an underwater cave not far from my time machine. I hurriedly pulled some levers, in order to make another jump - this time to the future.

Unfortunately, the megalodon grabbed onto my potentiality antenna like a fishing lure. The machine became unstuck and we landed in Reno, circa 1887. The splat was tremendous.